Talking Together

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye.In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in.

Share This Post

Talking Together

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye.In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in.

Share This Post

Words are wonderful things. We think with words and we talk with words and when we talk we do many different things: we make claims about who we are and how we see the world; we negotiate, evaluate and judge with words; we use words to blame and praise and we use words to say hello and goodbye. In short, we use words to understand ourselves and the world we live in. But words do far more than just help us know and understand. They also enable us to construct the social realities we live in as well as grow the trust and affection that enrich our lives. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that we are all in this together and that if we hope to survive, we need to talk. I think what she meant is that we need to learn new, better ways of communicating if we hope to build the more just, compassionate and sustainable cultures that so many of us are yearning for. Most of us who have lived in other countries for longer periods and who learned their languages have discovered that the way people talk varies greatly from culture to culture. A general term for these differences is communication styles and when two people are using different communication styles, it is more difficult for them to become attuned and to develop the rapport that is characteristic of a deeply satisfying conversation.

Think back to some of your own recent conversations. How many of them ended with you feeling energized and more deeply connected and how many of them ended with you feeling anxious, bored or even enervated? Good conversations provide us with information that we need to live well; great conversations create the shared meaning that nourishes both us and our relationships. But all too often we converse mindlessly, saying the same things in the same way we have said them so many times before. We may be present physically, but our minds seem to be elsewhere during such conversations. When the other person does the same, our relationships stagnate and our conversations drain us rather than refresh us.

Donate

Your donation to Spring Institute will help us build brighter futures for individuals and foster more inclusive organizations. Spring Institute for Intercultural Learning is a nonprofit, tax-exempt organization as defined in section 501(c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Code and, as such, contributions to Spring Institute are tax-deductible.

DONATE

There are many ways we can improve our conversations, but one of the most efficacious is a two-step process that enables you to attune with the other while creating the shared meaning that will nourish both of you. The first step is to ask a question and the second step is to listen receptively to what the other person has to say. Why is this so effective? First, it’s powerful because questions guide our attention. When we ask a sincere question with the intention to really understand the other person, we are directing our brains to become more open and receptive. What neuroscience research shows is that brains are designed to attune with other brains. When we ask a sincere question, we direct our brains to focus receptively on the other person, increasing the odds that our brains will attune and begin to synchronize with the other person’s brain. This attuning and synchronizing is an inherently pleasurable and energizing experience that helps us get into a more optimal state of mind. If you’ve ever had the experience of singing harmony in a choir or marching in step with other people, you know how good it feels when our brains attune and synchronize.

But to get the full effect of this we need to listen openly and receptively to what the other person says in response. We have to intend to understand them fully. This can be challenging because when we listen receptively, we risk hearing things that may change us or call our beliefs into question. This is one of the main reasons many of our conversations run so mindlessly: we don’t want to risk hearing things that may call our beliefs into question or change the way we see the world and ourselves. So to protect ourselves from this, we don’t ask questions sincerely and we don’t listen receptively. Asking the right question at the right time and in the right way is a powerful tool for improving our conversations that require both courage and skill. When done well, asking the right question is one of the best ways that I know for improving conversations and building more satisfying relationships. One of the most useful questions I know is what exactly does that mean? This question offers us a way to avoid what I call the “trap of similarity.” The trap of similarity can take many forms, but one of the most common occurs when two people use the same word but mean different things. This trap is especially common when we use abstract words that are emotionally powerful such as truth, love, freedom, value, patriotism, safety and many more. One couple I know had arguments for years every time they talked about one of them feeling “vulnerable.” Their arguments finally dissolved after they realized they were using the same word, but meaning very different things. In this regard, words are like arrows.

Arrows don’t contain pain, but when they hit you, you feel pain. In the same way, words don’t contain meaning as much as they elicit meaning in us when we say, hear or think them. I try to ask what exactly does that mean whenever I’m in a conversation and find myself being triggered by what the other person just said. When I stay present enough to notice that we may be using the same word or words in different ways, asking this question sends two important messages to the other person. First, it alerts them that we are not fully attuned and that I’m not sure what they mean. This is an implied request that we define our terms so we can make sure we’re on the same page. Second, it sends the message that I respect the other’s point of view and am interested in understanding it better. This message of respect plus the request for clarification is a powerful way to avoid misunderstandings and to create shared meaning. Whether you are communicating with someone from another culture, talking with friends and family, or just trying to clarify your own thinking, what exactly does that mean is a powerful tool when asked sincerely. It’s just five little words but if you listen to the answer receptively, the effects can be huge. Give it a try and see how it works for you. You may be very surprised how such a simple question can improve the quality of so many conversations. If you’d like to learn more about the trap of similarity, the power of inquiry or about the psychology of intercultural communication in general, you might enjoy my new book: Connecting Hearts and Minds: Insights, Skills and Best Practices for Dealing with Differences by Greg Nees.
(C) 2017 Greg Nees –All rights reserved

Read more Posts

Read more Posts

  • 1373 Grant St. Denver, CO 80203
  • (303) 863-0188

Testimonials

"Spring Institute made a big difference in my life."
"Thanks so much to The Interpreter Network for making our event materials accessible to the audience we really needed to reach!"
"Spring Institute does a great job connecting new immigrants and refugees with the Colorado community through education, intercultural and other skill-oriented training, and advocacy."
"The Interpreter Network is a great place to work. They are respectful with the interpreters, reliable and dependable with the clients."
"Spring Institute is a small but impactful organization full of change agents advocating for intercultural learning and awareness and immigrant and refugee communities."
"Spring Institute makes a difference for refugee and immigrant community members by building skills and confidence among English language students, promoting multigenerational learning and health literacy, and advocating for policy change to strengthen our welcoming community."
"Spring Institute is an absolutely wonderful organization that helps many people to realize themselves professionally and take their first bold step into life."
"As an immigrant, it was very important for me to have the information and knowledge that Spring Institute gave me. They helped me a lot to write a resume, told me how to behave in interviews, helped answer many questions. It was a huge help."
"Spring Institute is such a wonderful and amazing organization! I love what they do and how they help the community and the people in it. Thank you for looking out for people!"
"Spring Institute offers youth programs in the neighborhood where we live and during times that are good for us. Our parents trust the staff and so do we."
"Spring Institute is a great partner with other community organizations. I appreciate the collaborative work and important work to be done with immigrants and refugees."
“The instructor was knowledgeable and helpful and the training has shaped me to be a great interpreter and good person.”
"Our interpreter from The Interpreter Network was great to work with and his expertise made our event much more inclusive."
"The training is neatly organized and taught by an experienced, caring instructor. All the material is valuable as it prepares you well to handle real life situations. "
"Spring Institute is one of the best organizations because they help refugees and immigrants when they arrive in the U.S. and for years after. Their programs help families, grandparents, babies, children, and high schoolers."
"The Interpreter Network by Spring Institute did a wonderful job partnering with us to prepare materials for family outreach events. Their dedication to meeting our needs was consistent and prompt."
"So grateful for the incredible services offered by the Spring Institute!"
"Spring institute is the best organization to help the new American community of refugees & immigrants to be integrated in the USA and involved in different opportunities."
"The Interpreter Network is amazing and gave me the best experience [as an interpreter]."
"Completing the Bridging the Gap medical interpreter training through The Interpreter Network was an incredible experience- super efficient and effective training. Our lead instructor has a wealth of experience in, and knowledge of, the field. I cannot recommend Spring Institute enough."
John DoeCEO
"Spring Institute has very personable and supportive staff."
Previous
Next

Newsletter

Want the latest about our programs,
events and news?

Sign Up

Donate

Your donation helps our programs succeed. We thank you.
Donate